I Can't Unlove Him
by Fancy-Pants Lockhart
Summary: Tonks' thoughts on Christmas Day. Set Suring HBP.


Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Summery: Tonks' thoughts on Christmas Day. Set during HBP, with thoughts on OOTP.

**I Can't Unlove Him**

My name is Nymphadora Tonks, and I'm in love with a werewolf.

The first time I met him I didn't think he was anything special. He looked old and tired, not my type at all. He was kind and helped me up when I fell, unlike Sirius who just laughed his head off every time. He offered to show me around and introduce me to everyone. He was nothing special to me…at the time.

By the next month, I was starting to see him as something more than just a friend. Sure, he was over a decade older than me and we were very different. Where he was quiet and reserved I was loud and open. I had always been the type of girl who wanted to go out whenever I got the chance, but after meeting Remus, I found myself spending more and more time at No. 12 Grimmauld Place. We spent so many hours talking just the two of us (after Sirius had passed out from all the fire whiskey). In the span of one month I already knew him better than I knew my best friend and he knew more about me than I'd ever told anyone. It was weird, but comforting at the same time.

I guess I was already a little in love with him, even though I didn't realize it at the time. He was always there in the back of my mind. I would find myself thinking about him at the most inappropriate times, like during Order meetings. That got me into trouble a couple of times. Every time I tried to block him out, he just kept popping back up. It was very annoying, but nice at the same time. I wondered at the time if he ever thought about me that way. Now I know he did.

I realized I was in love with him after the battle at the ministry. I was fighting my dear Aunt Bellatrix when suddenly I saw a green light going straight for him. I swear my heart stopped for a second. Unfortunetly that was when Bellatrix hit me with a curse and knocked me out. The last thing that ran through my mind was 'Please, let Remus be alright.'

He was there when I awoke in St. Mungo's. I was so glad to see him alive. The happiness only left me when he told me Sirius Black, my wrongly convicted criminal uncle, was dead. For the second time in as many days I felt my heart stop. I didn't want to believe it. I was about to ask Remus if he was joking, but the look on his face told me all I needed to know. We cried in each other's arms, mourning the loss of a dear friend, a brother and an uncle, for the rest of the night. When the medi-witch told Remus visiting hours were over, I didn't want to let him go. Only after he'd promised to come back and visit the next morning did I let him go.

I slept very little that night. I kept thinking about the previous days events; Sirius was dead, the truth about You-Know-Who was out in the open and I was in love with a werewolf. I knew I should be concentrating on the first two things, but it was too hard to think of Sirius being gone for good. We hadn't known each other for very long, but in the time we did spend together, we'd gotten very close. He became more than just an uncle to me; he became the big brother I never had. Losing him was too much to deal with at the time.

Focusing on the war was just a depressing. I knew hard times lay ahead. We'd barely begun fighting and already we'd lost one of our soldiers. Who knew how many more would be gone by the end of it all. Would my parents make it out alive? Would my friends? Would I? Would Remus?

Remus. Remus John Lupin. What was I going to do about him? I didn't know whether I should tell him how I felt or keep my feelings to myself. I knew that if I kept it all inside it would eat at me until I either told him or went crazy. But, what if I told him and he didn't feel the same way? What if I told him and he got uncomfortable and didn't want to see me ever again? I should've kept it to myself. I should never have told him. But I did. I was stupid and I listened to that little voice in my head (which sounded a lot like Sirius) that said go for it; tell him, he feels the same way.

I still don't understand why he doesn't see that I don't care about him being thirteen years older than me, age is just a number. I don't care about him not having a lot of money; I make enough money to support both of us. I don't care that he's a werewolf; I'm a bloody auror for Merlin's sake! I've dealt with worse before. Most of all, why can't he see that I love him? I truly love him. I wish he would realize that he's more than good enough for me. If anything I'm not good enough for him. Why can't he see that?

The last time I saw him, five months ago, he told me to forget about him. He told me to forget my feelings for him and move on. God knows I've tried. It would be so much easier if I didn't know he felt the same way. As cliché as it may sound, I love him so much it hurts.

It's not like I _want_ to love him. If anything, I want to _hate_ him for making me hurt this way. I want to hate him for making me one of those girls who cries because the guy she likes doesn't notice her. I hate _myself_ for letting him to turn me into this person. At the same time I know that I could never hate him even if I tried. I'm too worried about him to hate him. He's out there somewhere with those werewolves. He calls them his kind, but he's nothing like him. I wish he could see that.

I wish Remus could see his own worth. I wish he didn't try so hard to push me away. I wish Sirius hadn't died. I wish we weren't in the middle of a war. I wish I was happy again. Most of all I wish I could unlove Remus.

A/N: Like? Hate? Reviews and Constructive Criticism welcome.


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